I lost my father in 2019, and experienced a lot of similar feelings to the ones you describe here. Grief like this is such a process, and it isn't always linear. Feelings come and go in waves, and some days one is steady and others one's a mess. You are right in that it does feel like a "club" at times with others who have also experienced it. While loss like this never truly goes away, I can say that things do get better.
All you can do is give yourself grace, space, patience, and love. Talking about it with others definitely helped me. Therapy did as well. The Headnoise gathering you and Chris did on grief also helped me quite a bit <3 Getting out in nature, and finding small places to escape to for just a few minutes helped as well, like watching a funny sitcom or reading a soothing book. I wasn't trying to run from my feelings, but being able to "take a break" here and there helped.
Thank you for sharing something so intimate and so heavy. I am so sorry you are going through it, and I'm sending you strong, loving vibes from Florida <3
I was surprised how a number of people that were experienced in grief suggested light activities that help. It’s so essential! And you’re right, it’s not an escape in this case. It’s not avoidance. It’s giving you a bit of breathing space from the intensity you cannot avoid.
Me and my sister started jigsaw puzzles, upon recommendation. We got obsessed. We still both are. It occupies the mind just enough to distract, without needing a ton of cognitive function.
Watching comedy helped too. And I went back to doom scrolling after a long social media absence. It just really helps. Carpet cleaning and lawn mowing clips are working best 😹 what have I become? Also where do they get all those muddy carpets from? Do they add all that dirt in order to make those clips? And what does that make me?
Thanks for sharing knowledge and experience to help others, even through such a tough time. That’s so you. The generous daughter your mother gave to the world.
I read you at night and my brain was left without words..My heart was so moved.
I feel you, I understand you.
I fell asleep thinking about your pain and I dreamed about you, it has been so real.
I have given you a hug as intense as our condition.
I can tell you with all my respect for each process from my own experience that you should not fight to accept this tragedy, you will never accept it, it is like that, accept each stage that comes from your grief and try to live the best you can with it.
There is a before and after your loss,
I suppose that is the process, accept that nothing is the same and continue as you can, you will have bad days, less bad, good days and everything is normal.
You can cry more or less, it does not matter, it is very personal but the tears accumulate until they spill from the container, each one has its own process.
This is what I can tell you from my experience for the mourning of the loss of my father.
You are wise, strong and aware, use your superpower whenever you can, and when you can't, nothing will happen, better days will come.
Time softens the grief.
It's still too early, it's a very tragic double loss.
Little by little, we are with you in our hearts.
You have been very brave, you are doing very well with your family.
All my admiration for you.
Talk to your mother whenever you feel like it, I think they listen to us in some way.
The photo with your mother is so beautiful.
Much love, strength and light for you from my soul to your soul and the eternal hug that I gave you in my dreams.
Such beautiful words. You clearly have experienced grief. I will take your words to heart and go where my grief takes me. From the very first day, I had this feeling that I will do everything in my power to use their deaths to do good. And to do so I must include the days when nothing works. Lots of love to you.
What a beautifully honest ‘stream of consciousness’ about your experience. Sharing this stuff is so important and that heart pain from grief plus the numbness is something that is very relatable. Your openness is well received 🤍
Dearest Janine, you've been on my mind a lot these last many months, and I've had this sense of worry for you - it is out of admiration and love for you that my heart hurts. Perhaps it's a lot for me to say this to someone I rarely see 'in real life', but I cannot overstate what an impact you've had on me - through the infusion of your essence in IAMX, your words in streams and these posts, and the hugs we've shared over the years - there's few people in the world that share this place in my heart and mind.
Losing my mother is my greatest fear. I deal with very frequent anticipatory grief about this, even though she is healthy and doing well. I think you said the reasons so well - the only person that will never leave me alone, the safety net if my life turns to shit.
This year has been strangely full of untimely deaths in my life, and seeing you talk through your experiences is helping me put together the puzzle pieces of: how do we go on? How can we survive in such uncertainty and sometimes unfairness?
I don't have all the answers, and might never, but I feel less alone in this world when I read your words, and I really hope you feel similar comfort from friends and family (IRL or otherwise❤️).
I also have become more "spiritual" with every death as I get older (My hard atheist 20-year-old-self would have cringed!), but sometimes you just feel things. My heart and soul sings for your healing.
Sending you a tight hug and so much love, beautiful Queen.
I understand the anticipated grief. I wonder if you could transform it into showing your mum how much she means to you. The more you give to her, the more it will help you once she actually dies. Only if she’s deserving of your love of course.
And one other thing I learned is that death is hard, yes, and also an essential part of life. Death can be deeply enriching. Transforming. Connecting you with people you never connected with before. Release an abundance of feeling, not just sadness, also love, gratitude. It really is a gift in the moments when it doesn’t suck all the life out of you.
I feel so grateful to read your words and I’m thankful that you have an opportunity to share and communicate your feelings through this tragedy. I cannot begin to imagine how I would process in your shoes but your words are a testament to how truly strong you are. I admire you greatly and find your honesty inspiring. Life is so fleeting, but I am thankful you’re in it and wish you nothing but love as you continue to heal and navigate your way.
dearest Janine, your story is very painful, I can almost feel every single emotion you have, with the people I love I can always get in tune and put myself in their shoes, so it makes me very sad to know that you are going through this horrible time. I can't even begin to imagine the terrible pain you are feeling, it is something so scary and unfair. I admire you so much darling, you have a truly incalculable and incredible willpower, I am super proud of you!! you are strong as a rock, despite everything you continue to smile and this makes you a huge example of strength, you have all my greatest respect. anger, sadness, frustration, are all more than normal feelings unfortunately, let them come out freely and don't be scared whatever you feel, it's all part of the grieving process. I think that in these situations you discover that you have an inner strength so strong that you didn't even know you had. Even if you don't feel it, your mother is always with you and her soul will always make itself felt, she is up there looking with pride and pride at the great woman you have become. A gust of wind is like her sweet caress that touches your face, the sun that shines is her smile and at night the stars that shine is she looking at you and protecting you. I think of you often in these months, I am very close to you and I hug you so tightly, I hope that you can find the strength to move forward and somehow overcome this terrible grief, I am very saddened for you. I know that now it will seem impossible to you but one day you will surely be able to see the light again and be happy. A hug and a huge kiss, I love you so much❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Jennifer. She is with me always and she is in the countless people that loved her. It’s beautiful to see everyone come together to remember her. She left us a ton of love to draw from. And now that she can’t be nosy anymore I can finally fully live and feel my love for her. I have learned that grief has its own logic.
It was harder than I thought, reading through your words, but I sat there and imagined your pain . I couldn’t. I don’t really talk to my mom and we have never shared this closeness.
My father was my best friend growing up, and I lost him at the age of 17. The pain is the same but the tears for a mother I feel will always be a lot more overwhelming. In a way you have to drown yourself in them to make it to the other side. I’m sorry J. We can’t take any of the hurt away but we are always here to listen. I embrace you from a far . And lastly I gotta thank you because I called my mom for the first time in years last night ,we have plans to meet up. Fuck our differences life is too short.
Oh Pixie, that is so beautiful. You called her! Makes me smile. And I’m so sorry you had to join the club so early. Big fat hugs to you, beautiful lady! ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s so many ways that this terminal information needs processing. and I very much relate to you diving deep into the details. Especially since this was so unexpected. My dad died in November 2014. He was sick and in hospital. I had a vision of him at the beginning of the year that he would die that year. Even though I hadn’t seen him in seven years. The day before he died, I traveled to Northern Germany to be with him when he transitioned. Most of my family was there. He was in a medically induced coma, and the doctors wanted to pull the plug so we were all there. They pulled the plug. No one said anything and me even though being the youngest, I felt the obligation to say to him that we are all here and that he can go now and everything will be fine. Some minutes later he left. Even after these 10 years, it still is an insane moment. My father and I were really close when I was a kid and it got difficult between us once I started puberty. We had painful contact. Maybe three or four times a year. And even though I was grieving after his passing, I didn’t have to feel the loss on the daily a lot because he just wasn’t in my life that much. But still I was grieving. It came in waves and it crashed over me, I had no control over it I never knew how the day would be going and if I would be able to keep my mask lined up. The full realization that I would never see him again was when I visited his grave almost a year later. I saw the tombstone with his name on and the day he died. There was a rip in my heart and in the whole time continuum. I still dream of him maybe every three months. He wants to be with me, but he can never stay. I’m pretty sure nothing of this has any logic and it doesn’t have to. Even now after these 10 years, I’m sitting here crying about it. Maybe all I want to say to you, that wherever you are now with your grief, it’s totally valid. What you feel whenever you feel it, how much or how little. And you never know when it will come back to you.
This was my stream of consciousness after I read your piece. Thank you so much for your openness. Love ya.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Yes, there’s no logic and yet what you describe makes deep sense to me. And I’m sorry. It’s bizarre how we only truly feel the full love we had for the person once they’re dead. At least with my mum I can say that’s true. It’s not a sad finding either. It feels comforting to know I loved her more than I could have imagined. More than I would have ever shown to her. The logic of grief works in different ways.
I lost my father in 2019, and experienced a lot of similar feelings to the ones you describe here. Grief like this is such a process, and it isn't always linear. Feelings come and go in waves, and some days one is steady and others one's a mess. You are right in that it does feel like a "club" at times with others who have also experienced it. While loss like this never truly goes away, I can say that things do get better.
All you can do is give yourself grace, space, patience, and love. Talking about it with others definitely helped me. Therapy did as well. The Headnoise gathering you and Chris did on grief also helped me quite a bit <3 Getting out in nature, and finding small places to escape to for just a few minutes helped as well, like watching a funny sitcom or reading a soothing book. I wasn't trying to run from my feelings, but being able to "take a break" here and there helped.
Thank you for sharing something so intimate and so heavy. I am so sorry you are going through it, and I'm sending you strong, loving vibes from Florida <3
I was surprised how a number of people that were experienced in grief suggested light activities that help. It’s so essential! And you’re right, it’s not an escape in this case. It’s not avoidance. It’s giving you a bit of breathing space from the intensity you cannot avoid.
Me and my sister started jigsaw puzzles, upon recommendation. We got obsessed. We still both are. It occupies the mind just enough to distract, without needing a ton of cognitive function.
Watching comedy helped too. And I went back to doom scrolling after a long social media absence. It just really helps. Carpet cleaning and lawn mowing clips are working best 😹 what have I become? Also where do they get all those muddy carpets from? Do they add all that dirt in order to make those clips? And what does that make me?
Thanks for sharing knowledge and experience to help others, even through such a tough time. That’s so you. The generous daughter your mother gave to the world.
❤️
Dearest beautiful Queen,
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
I read you at night and my brain was left without words..My heart was so moved.
I feel you, I understand you.
I fell asleep thinking about your pain and I dreamed about you, it has been so real.
I have given you a hug as intense as our condition.
I can tell you with all my respect for each process from my own experience that you should not fight to accept this tragedy, you will never accept it, it is like that, accept each stage that comes from your grief and try to live the best you can with it.
There is a before and after your loss,
I suppose that is the process, accept that nothing is the same and continue as you can, you will have bad days, less bad, good days and everything is normal.
You can cry more or less, it does not matter, it is very personal but the tears accumulate until they spill from the container, each one has its own process.
This is what I can tell you from my experience for the mourning of the loss of my father.
You are wise, strong and aware, use your superpower whenever you can, and when you can't, nothing will happen, better days will come.
Time softens the grief.
It's still too early, it's a very tragic double loss.
Little by little, we are with you in our hearts.
You have been very brave, you are doing very well with your family.
All my admiration for you.
Talk to your mother whenever you feel like it, I think they listen to us in some way.
The photo with your mother is so beautiful.
Much love, strength and light for you from my soul to your soul and the eternal hug that I gave you in my dreams.
All the best,
Kisses
Such beautiful words. You clearly have experienced grief. I will take your words to heart and go where my grief takes me. From the very first day, I had this feeling that I will do everything in my power to use their deaths to do good. And to do so I must include the days when nothing works. Lots of love to you.
What a beautifully honest ‘stream of consciousness’ about your experience. Sharing this stuff is so important and that heart pain from grief plus the numbness is something that is very relatable. Your openness is well received 🤍
Dearest Janine, you've been on my mind a lot these last many months, and I've had this sense of worry for you - it is out of admiration and love for you that my heart hurts. Perhaps it's a lot for me to say this to someone I rarely see 'in real life', but I cannot overstate what an impact you've had on me - through the infusion of your essence in IAMX, your words in streams and these posts, and the hugs we've shared over the years - there's few people in the world that share this place in my heart and mind.
Losing my mother is my greatest fear. I deal with very frequent anticipatory grief about this, even though she is healthy and doing well. I think you said the reasons so well - the only person that will never leave me alone, the safety net if my life turns to shit.
This year has been strangely full of untimely deaths in my life, and seeing you talk through your experiences is helping me put together the puzzle pieces of: how do we go on? How can we survive in such uncertainty and sometimes unfairness?
I don't have all the answers, and might never, but I feel less alone in this world when I read your words, and I really hope you feel similar comfort from friends and family (IRL or otherwise❤️).
I also have become more "spiritual" with every death as I get older (My hard atheist 20-year-old-self would have cringed!), but sometimes you just feel things. My heart and soul sings for your healing.
Sending you a tight hug and so much love, beautiful Queen.
I understand the anticipated grief. I wonder if you could transform it into showing your mum how much she means to you. The more you give to her, the more it will help you once she actually dies. Only if she’s deserving of your love of course.
And one other thing I learned is that death is hard, yes, and also an essential part of life. Death can be deeply enriching. Transforming. Connecting you with people you never connected with before. Release an abundance of feeling, not just sadness, also love, gratitude. It really is a gift in the moments when it doesn’t suck all the life out of you.
I feel so grateful to read your words and I’m thankful that you have an opportunity to share and communicate your feelings through this tragedy. I cannot begin to imagine how I would process in your shoes but your words are a testament to how truly strong you are. I admire you greatly and find your honesty inspiring. Life is so fleeting, but I am thankful you’re in it and wish you nothing but love as you continue to heal and navigate your way.
❤️
dearest Janine, your story is very painful, I can almost feel every single emotion you have, with the people I love I can always get in tune and put myself in their shoes, so it makes me very sad to know that you are going through this horrible time. I can't even begin to imagine the terrible pain you are feeling, it is something so scary and unfair. I admire you so much darling, you have a truly incalculable and incredible willpower, I am super proud of you!! you are strong as a rock, despite everything you continue to smile and this makes you a huge example of strength, you have all my greatest respect. anger, sadness, frustration, are all more than normal feelings unfortunately, let them come out freely and don't be scared whatever you feel, it's all part of the grieving process. I think that in these situations you discover that you have an inner strength so strong that you didn't even know you had. Even if you don't feel it, your mother is always with you and her soul will always make itself felt, she is up there looking with pride and pride at the great woman you have become. A gust of wind is like her sweet caress that touches your face, the sun that shines is her smile and at night the stars that shine is she looking at you and protecting you. I think of you often in these months, I am very close to you and I hug you so tightly, I hope that you can find the strength to move forward and somehow overcome this terrible grief, I am very saddened for you. I know that now it will seem impossible to you but one day you will surely be able to see the light again and be happy. A hug and a huge kiss, I love you so much❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Jennifer. She is with me always and she is in the countless people that loved her. It’s beautiful to see everyone come together to remember her. She left us a ton of love to draw from. And now that she can’t be nosy anymore I can finally fully live and feel my love for her. I have learned that grief has its own logic.
🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
It was harder than I thought, reading through your words, but I sat there and imagined your pain . I couldn’t. I don’t really talk to my mom and we have never shared this closeness.
My father was my best friend growing up, and I lost him at the age of 17. The pain is the same but the tears for a mother I feel will always be a lot more overwhelming. In a way you have to drown yourself in them to make it to the other side. I’m sorry J. We can’t take any of the hurt away but we are always here to listen. I embrace you from a far . And lastly I gotta thank you because I called my mom for the first time in years last night ,we have plans to meet up. Fuck our differences life is too short.
Love and strength to you and your fam❤️
- Pixie Guzman
Oh Pixie, that is so beautiful. You called her! Makes me smile. And I’m so sorry you had to join the club so early. Big fat hugs to you, beautiful lady! ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. There’s so many ways that this terminal information needs processing. and I very much relate to you diving deep into the details. Especially since this was so unexpected. My dad died in November 2014. He was sick and in hospital. I had a vision of him at the beginning of the year that he would die that year. Even though I hadn’t seen him in seven years. The day before he died, I traveled to Northern Germany to be with him when he transitioned. Most of my family was there. He was in a medically induced coma, and the doctors wanted to pull the plug so we were all there. They pulled the plug. No one said anything and me even though being the youngest, I felt the obligation to say to him that we are all here and that he can go now and everything will be fine. Some minutes later he left. Even after these 10 years, it still is an insane moment. My father and I were really close when I was a kid and it got difficult between us once I started puberty. We had painful contact. Maybe three or four times a year. And even though I was grieving after his passing, I didn’t have to feel the loss on the daily a lot because he just wasn’t in my life that much. But still I was grieving. It came in waves and it crashed over me, I had no control over it I never knew how the day would be going and if I would be able to keep my mask lined up. The full realization that I would never see him again was when I visited his grave almost a year later. I saw the tombstone with his name on and the day he died. There was a rip in my heart and in the whole time continuum. I still dream of him maybe every three months. He wants to be with me, but he can never stay. I’m pretty sure nothing of this has any logic and it doesn’t have to. Even now after these 10 years, I’m sitting here crying about it. Maybe all I want to say to you, that wherever you are now with your grief, it’s totally valid. What you feel whenever you feel it, how much or how little. And you never know when it will come back to you.
This was my stream of consciousness after I read your piece. Thank you so much for your openness. Love ya.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Yes, there’s no logic and yet what you describe makes deep sense to me. And I’m sorry. It’s bizarre how we only truly feel the full love we had for the person once they’re dead. At least with my mum I can say that’s true. It’s not a sad finding either. It feels comforting to know I loved her more than I could have imagined. More than I would have ever shown to her. The logic of grief works in different ways.